EXAMPLE TESTIMONIALS
(or Testinoni, or Testinonials as the fanatics say)

Noni for healthy teeth

“From an early age I have always suffered from dental problems which later led to me having to use full upper and lower dentures. These dentures never fit me very well and I often was in severe pain while trying to chew my food. A friend of mine introduced me to Noni Juice and was happy to sell me a few bottles of this miracle potion. I had taken out my dentures and started drinking Noni Juice for a whole week until I woke up one morning and all my teeth had grown back. I no longer need those fake dentures anymore because all my teeth are in perfect condition thanks to Noni Juice”.
– Count V. Dracula

Noni helps combat severe chronic depression

“My life sucked. My life had sucked for many years. My wife had left me and took the kids and I had to give her the house and a lot of my money and ended up in debt because of all the circumstances in my life. Everything was bleak and negative. I wished I was dead and saw no point on living any longer. Every week my debts increased and I could no longer pay off my credit card debt either. I was so sick of it to see my bank statements arrive. Every time I opened one I felt more depressed. Then I started with Noni Juice and all my troubles went away and I now have $60.000 in my account and am making a lot of money with very little effort. Please e-mail if you wish to purchase Noni Juice from me. Ever since I started it has solved my problems and I feel good about myself again. If you wish to also become a distributor and fight your debts and depression please give me a call.”
– Mr. C. Salesfellow

You can smear Noni Juice pulp on anything

“The person where I buy my Noni Juice from one day told me, literarily, that you can use it for so many things and can even smear the pulp at the bottom of the bottle on any thing. One day I decided to try that by smearing the Noni Juice pulp on a defective keyboard of which most keys no longer functioned. After a few days of smearing the Noni Juice pulp on it the keyboard started working again and as proof I submit to you this text which I have typed on a Noni treated keyboard that was previously ready to be discarded. My distributor was right. It works on anything and not just people and animals. I trust my distributor’s words and you can smear the pulp on anything. I have smeared it on my neighbors doorstep and on my son’s car yesterday. Tomorrow I will try smearing it on the newspaper and my toaster but I think it will indeed smear on any thing.
– Mrs. Dolores Dufus

Noni Juice keeps you alive

“As you know, Noni Juice is not sold with marketing documents that prove how well it works but instead is sold based on testimonials of people who have been using Noni Juice. I have been using Noni Juice for a year until I decided to also become a distributor and help others discover the wonderful effects it provides. As a drinker of Noni Juice and a distributor it is time I shared my own experiences in the form of this testimonial that I am writing. I started drinking Noni Juice after reading a testimonial of Mr. C. Salesfellow. I had debts and was perpetually depressed. Noni Juice helped me regain control over my life but didn’t prevent me from suffering from chest pains that became severe enough that I had to be rushed to hospital. In the hospital it turned out that I was having a heart-attack. The doctors could not save me and I died shortly thereafter. As per my last wishes my family had buried me with a dozen bottles of fantastic Noni Juice. Three days after I was buried I managed to crawl out of the ground and I have never felt better in my life. I’m alive again and this is all thanks to a dozen bottles of Noni Juice. You should try this stuff out yourself, it’s known for it’s miracle powers and I’m living proof of that.
– Mr. R. Mortis

Bald? Not with Noni Juice!

“Over the past few years I had lost all my hair and became bald. I had a hard time picking up single woman in the singles bars that I often attend, cruising for attention, cruising for a bit of action. It was horrible to have my social life destroyed by something as simple as being bald beyond my own doing. Someone recommended drinking Noni Juice and while there were some noticeable effects my hair was not growing back as fast as I would have liked. I read the testimonial of Mrs. Dolores Dufus and discovered you can smear the pulp from the bottom of the bottle on everything and anything and I decided to smear it on my head. After five weeks and 20 bottles I have now grown back all my hair and more. I am really happy and will be hitting the singles bars again soon in search of some action. Everyone will be so surprised to see I now have more hair than Cousin IT. I have so much hair that Captain Caveman would envy me.”
– Mr. B. Cranium

Got smelly feet? Just use Noni Juice.

“I heard about smearing Noni Juice on my smelly feet. My wife complained about my smelly feet all the time. I have big feet. And they smell bad so I bought some Noni Juice through the internet from someone who showed me testimonials of others who used Noni for everything. My wife no longer complains about my big smelly feet because the odor of the Noni Juice is so much worse. My wife now rather smells my big smelly feet instead and wishes it could smell like they used to smell. Noni has helped me solve my problem.”
– Mr. A. B. Stinky

Noni Juice is the miracle cure against unsolicited e-mail (spam)

“Are you tired of receiving unsolicited e-mail, also known as spam, in your mailbox? Do you wish to get rid of those nasty bullshit messages in which they offer you things that will make you rich or will cure you of your illness? The answer is to start buying a lot of Noni Juice from me. The more Noni Juice you buy from me the fewer messages I will send you about my offer of Noni Juice. If you buy enough Noni Juice from me I will see to it you will never again receive a spam message offering Noni Juice. If you also buy Noni Juice from my fellow distributors we will stop posting our spam to newsgroups, web forums, and your mailbox because you will be a valued customer worthy of our respect and consideration. Noni Juice really is the one and only miracle cure against spam. Trust me.”
– Mr. U. N. Trustworthy

Noni Juice helps to combat severe brain damage

“Huh…. the dude I buy my Noni Juice from axed me to write down my experience with the stuff. Well huh ok then. I used to be a serious drug user and spent more money to blow crap up my nose and in my veins than anyone else. Many years of drug abuse has damaged my brain they say. Hum, well, the doctors say it is damaged and that I have turned into a stupid and dumb moron that can no longer live a normal life. I sayz that is not true. I have started drinking that stuff, you know, Noni Juice man. My buddy that sells it to me sayz to me that after I started drinking 5 bottles a day I am doing much better. I have to trust his judgment. He is my friend so he probably knows what he talks about. I will keep drinking 5 bottles a day and I hope that my stupidity will go away. Uhhh, this stuff is great man, my friend can also sell you some of this good stuff. What are you waiting for dude, get rid of brain damage now.”
– Mr. T. Moron Jr.

Noni Juice, the miracle cure for gastritis and intestinal problems

“I have been suffering from intestinal and colon problems for a long time now and normal traditional medicine and health care have been unable to help me. After searching the world for a cure I discovered Noni Juice. Noni Juice is made from a plant that is known for being a miracle cure of some sort. I could not find the Noni Juice in any store because they would have only charged me more so I found this friendly young man who sells these bottles from his garage. He told me to use a syringe and inject the Juice straight up my butt. It has not helped me with the problems but I have grown addicted to the buzz and rush this process gives me and now I don’t want to stop. I am happy I have intestinal problems because it gives me reason to shoot Noni Juice up my butt hole twice a day. I have also started selling Noni Juice to share my joy and experience with other people who are willing to pay the extremely disproportional price of this juice. A lot of times I try and share my joy with people by trying to sell them Noni Juice but they will tell me to stick my bottles where the sun doesn’t shine. But I am already doing that. That is what I find enjoyment in but they are not listening to me and seem to be missing the point. It is their loss because people like me continue to be pleased with Noni Juice and the benefits it brings to me living a fuller and more enjoyable life.”
– Mr. S. Hole.

Things run better on Noni!

“After attending a meeting held by Noni distributors I bought a few bottles to see if it would have any effect at all. The honest and ehtical sales representatives told me everything runs better on Noni. I had severe doubts at first and highly sceptical of the claims. Yet I did found myself parting with a stack of $20 bills. I didn’t really want to buy so many bottles but the sales people were so kind and helpful and it was awfully hard to refuse. On my way home I discovered my car wouldn’t start because the engine had blown something. The engine hadn’t been fine for a while but then I remembered what the sales people told me and as if a miracle happened I poured Noni Juice into the tank of the car. It took a few attempts to start it but it has never ran so fine before. These days I don’t travel much because running on Noni is so much more expensive than fuel. But the car feels happy and that makes me feel better.”
– Mr. F. Mustang di Pirelli

THE TRUTH AND FINAL ANALYSIS

If you have read this far on the page you will have either done so because you were mildly amused by the humor displayed here or because you are truly naive enough to have believed any one of the testimonials above. In case you have believed one or more then let us explain to you that all of the testimonials above are completely and utterly FAKE. They are WHOLEY UNTRUE and are aimed at showing you the silly nature of Noni Juice sales based on, often fully anonymous, written testimonials that are unsubstantiated and can not be verified.

If you think about it, the FAKE testimonials listed here are not so very different from the ones used by Noni Juice distributors except that ours are a bit more silly and a little more extreme. However, they both share a common basis; You shouldn’t believe everything people write.